From the time we get out of bed until we catch ourselves in the act of griping…about 75% of us will complain aloud or in our minds about something at least ten times.  And, on some days, a whopping 30% of us will do this 40 or more times before someone else tells us to stop!

Whew– that’s a lot of energy devoted to one purpose.  This is all according to a non-scientific study on the matter for a speech I gave a couple of years ago entitled, “Gripe all you want but, it won’t help you!”

 Upon waking in the morning perhaps you’ve uttered a few of these popular survey responses:  ”I’m still tired”  ” I never seem to get enough sleep” “I don’t feel like dealing with the people on my job today” “Wish it were the weekend, Mondays  bite.”  ”The floor’s cold.”  ”I’m fat… but, I’m still hungry” “My wife’s snoring kept me up all night” “Why can’t I win the lottery so I don’t have to work at all?!”  ”It’s too cold to take the dog outside”  ”Maybe I’ll call in sick and take a break from my job, which I can’t stand.”

These thoughts are fairly benign.  Some of you flat out moan in the morning.  Why?  Probably because no one ever told us just how damaging the act of complaining really is.  It sets us up to do the one thing that is the opposite of success:  To complain is to usher in mediocrity.  When we complain and don’t follow through to change what we’re griping about… we settle.  We settle  for that job that makes us want to call in sick everyday.  We settle for those bad habits that lead us to overeat and hate the face we see first thing in the morning mirror.  We settle for thinking about a problem rather than solving it.

And, when we settle enough times we take negativity to a new level:  Resenting others who have what we think we deserve!

Wow, with just a little morning gripe, we’ve gone from negative behavior, to settling for less, to being down right hateful.  Surely, these actions will not grow success in our lives.  In fact, they may be the very reason why some people never seem to get ahead.  

Winners don’t like to hang around complainers… their negativity is a distraction. Business leaders and managers don’t like complainers on their team… the reduced productivity of complainers is expensive.  

It’s quite simple:  If you’re complaining then you’re not doing what you could to make yours or someone else’s situation or project better.  

Complainers do tend to accomplish a few things, though.  Found out in my speech survey, that they tend to gossip more and exercise less.  They tend to have fewer healthy opinions of others and an elevated opinion of themselves.  And, they tend to gripe even when things are going well.  Don’t know all the medical or scientific connections among these behaviors.  But, it’s just a guess– complainers are addicted to drama.   

So, you may be wondering– why did Harris have to give up Complaining for Lent?  Because like everybody else, it sometimes takes me a few grievances to say to myself, “Woah! Stop that!”  Reached that point around the beginning of this Lenten season and decided to go Gripe-free.  I’d tell you how it’s going… BUT, THEN I’D BE COMPLAINING-HA!

More free time, better night’s sleep and more patience with all those around me since I stopped complaining.  Those are reasos enough for me to give it up for 40 days or so.  How about you? Want to join me on this journey ’til Easter?  And, beyond?!

H-out

Not long ago Jon Stewart of  ”Daily Show” fame… picked on me for his “Moment of Zen”.  He told his viewers something about me looking so happy on the air when reporting…. happy stories. Well, duh.  He was making fun.  But, honestly, it was a hoot to have my friends emailing and telling me about it.  I didn’t actually see it when it aired ‘cuz I don’t too get his late night show.  My point?  He was right– about one thing.  We should all have a moment of Zen.

A girlfriend of mine is an emergency room doc.  We try to vacation together at least once a year… even now that I’m a mom.  She’s one of my favorite people and our husbands are best friends. 

Truth is, I’d like to be more like Doc Lori.  Somehow she really unplugs… not just on vacation but, whenever it’s her time to chill.  She really does disconnect from the phone/pager/bbrry in her life.  Even if it’s just for a few hours… she can escape the world’s distractions and negativity.

So, why can’t I?  Seems like no matter how hard I try… turning off the world is impossible.  Just this past weekend… went to a beautiful lake and park in our neighborhood.  An hour and a half to have fun with my family and take in the fresh, warming pre-spring air. 

What did I do?  Put my bbrry on vibrate and attended to it EVERY time it buzzed… you know, just to see if it was important.  Mind you even my friend who saves lives takes 90 minutes to herself over the course of a weekend.  Heck we all have to shower!

Finally came to a head this morning… as I was making breakfast for my 2 year old and saw she was “air thumbing”.  She was pretending to be on HER blackberry.  Of course, she doesn’t have one.

I stopped dipping the bread into the eggwhites and spices… took a deep breath, picked her up and held her in my arms.  Had plenty of time before the day began to gaze out the window together at the birds greeting the morning.

A moment of happiness and peace before the clutter and chatter of the world beyond our front door got their chance to distract me.  A time to smile at the happy story of birds landing on our back fence to see a mom and baby… both in footed pj’s!

Be sure to take your own moment of Zen… you just might make the “Daily Show”.  Of course, as a rule… I try not to make that my goal.

Absolutely addictive to be joyful.  But, it’s so much easier to believe and speak the negative.  Once you’re around fun-loving, positive, joyful people though, it’s like you’ve been holding your breath for years waiting to exhale.  

The breathing in… gulping and gasping for air… is the inhalation of all the negative that’s around us.  It seems to come in waves and it’s captivating like a drug… economic depressive-disorder, toxic relationships we don’t shake, self-hatred through overeating and under-sleeping etc… And, then something or someone makes us break the cycle for just a moment.

We exhale.  We think of nothing but the joy of the moment.  We let go of what we cannot control… and, stop letting it control us.

We become addicted to something other than a drug to kill us.  We crave life’s lightest gift… peace.  

I am hooked.   All it took:  One long stare at my slumbering two year old.  She actually smiles when she sleeps.

“I’m so very sorry.  I accept full responsibility for my mistake.  Please find it in your heart to forgive me.”

While I won’t go into deets about my recent faux pas because the past is quickly in all of our rearview mirrors, sharing my lessons is kinda the point of a motivational speaker having a blog.  What a hypocrit I’d be if the only advice or suggestions that ever appeared here… were about everybody else!

Have you ever made a mistake that triggered people around you to question whether you were actually conscious at the time?!  We all do it.  What I’m finding is there are some people who thrive of seeing us faux pas… they wait to pounce on our errors and can go so far as to to say, “You’re a loser.  I would never do that.  How could you?” 

My answer is as old as time:  I’m human.  We all are.  And, it’s my belief that as God’s children, if He can forgive us… we really need to learn to do this for each other… and, for ourselves.  But, He doesn’t expect us not to feel pain and remorse.  That’s necessary to remind us to stay humble in the face of the love, support and forgiveness that others may and often do show us.

So, here’s what I find really works when you’ve made a mistake.  And, a mistake  can vary from losing your patience with a loved one to gossipping about a friend to using poor judgment.

Take responsibility AS SOON AS YOU CAN.  Apologize.  Ask for forgiveness.  And, here’s the key– MOVE ON.  If you don’t let yourself off the hook others will wonder a) whether your apology is sincere and b) whether your mistake was intentional.

I’m moving on, now.

 It’s  Wednesday,  March 4, 2009.   H-Blog is born.   A way for me to taste a bit my most intense pursuits:  Peace and joy.  Some days-musings will be ten words or less.  Others will be the workings of my next motivational speeches taking shape.  And, this is where the contents are unfolding for my first E-book (Stay tuned!) 

For example, at this noon hour on this Wednesday… the topic of deception captures my attention.  A recent uncomfortable conversation has me shedding some light on just why I had to fire a friend. 

Nothing bothers me more than dishonest people.  They are high maintenance because once you know they’ve lied to you, it’s then up to you to protect yourself from their future deception.  It’s clear from the first lie they tell you, that they don’t respect or have a high regard for you and therefore, have no intention of warning you when they are about to lie, again. 

This is one of my “non-negotiables”.  

Aside from the low feelings of being manipulated and betrayed, there’s another important and actionable reason to stomp out dishonesty from those around you.  Deliberate deception is a form of abuse.  Think about it.  If someone smacked you upside your head over and over… you would react wouldn’t you?  That is unless you’re addicted to the abuse or have such a damaged self image that you don’t think you’re worthy of living a better life.  

Don’t underestimate the power of a lie.  

And, while the recipient of the abuse is harmed so, is the liar.  They just don’t know it.  You see, lying leaves the non-pathological feeling unsettled and paranoid-at first.  Over time, whether the liar is one who has a heart or is truly incapable of empathy, they all in up in the same place or should I say the same state of mind:  Blameless and hollow.  Because only truth can give each of us the peace that enables us to beget and enjoy life’s deepest, most soul-fulfilling moments.  Those moments are reserved for, I believe, for the ones among us who can most appreciate them… the innocent of intent… the honest ones.

In fact, I argue that to truly know the truth you must not only speak it… it must be what you crave as much as breath or water. 

Years ago, after suffering through romantic relationships and even some friendships that were tainted by the stench of dishonesty, I began to weed out the people who do not have my best interest at heart.  Actually, that was to high a standard to start.  At first, I just ditched those who were incapable of not hurting me on purpose.  Let me tell you, that has made my list of close contacts a pretty short one.  One simple rule like “tell the truth in your presence” can lead to the elimination of a lot of people from your life.  Too bad really.  Some of the most fun people we know… lie their pants off. 

What are your “non-negotiables”?